Until I Say Good Bye by Susan Spencer Wendel

One of my favorite songs is “Live Like You Were Dying”.  I recently finished reading “Until I Say Good-Bye”, and it reminded me of how I wish I could live by those words,everyday, even though I don’t have a terminal illness.

Susan Spencer, leads me through her journey and makes me want to enjoy each day.  She makes me actually want to embrace each day and to relish each moment that I am blessed with and each person that I encounter.  Early in the book, she quotes Dr. Suess, “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened”.  She challenges us to “enjoy life more because of the uncertainty, not less”.  It is a reminder to me that life is full of uncertainty and the way I respond to that uncertainty is what develops my character. 

As she describes her relationship with her mother, I am reminded of my own, not because of the harshness Tee sometimes provoked Susan with but instead because she describe Tee as “always smiling and insisting everything was wonderful, even when it wasn’t”.  In the past few years of my life, I have attempted to be more authentic in who I am as well as who I am becoming.  As she shares her life with her father, she recognizes his love language is doing, not saying.  This is so similar to my father and the love language he has demonstrated throughout his life that I found myself tearful, not because of her impending death but how closely I identified with her relationships.

Even in the midst of knowing her future, the author is able to be glad in the moments, to create lifetime memories, and to focus on the life, not the illness.  Her husband is a pillar of strength and their love transcends all that is real and perceived.  In his words, “The least I can do for you is everything”.  These words are the foundation of every successful marriage.

As she becomes introspective, she realizes the importance of inner strength.  She pens, “listen to what your soul is saying, and not the people around you”.  Sometimes this is much easier said than done.  She also realizes the value of relationships and specifically her sister, who she grows closer to, They allow each other to unburden their hearts, un-crowd their minds, and listen to what their souls are saying. 

As she admits her depression, I begin to feel bold enough to share some of my own struggles.  She wonders if there is a stigma to admitting depression, to admitting her moments of anger and despair.  She quotes, “If so, I chose to ignore it (the stigma) because my mind is healthy.” What a different world this would be if we could all have the courage to say these words, whether suffering from physical or emotional illness.

As she begins to draw closer to her final days with ALS, she choses to “dwell in what there remains to be grateful for.” She has learned not to want things she can’t have or can’t do.  One thing that became apparent to me is that in the midst of illness and death, life continues to go on around you.  Teenagers still have messy rooms, she can’t helicopter parent, you can’t force anything.  She looks to her children’s future, she wants them to be happy, she hopes someday her daughter finds someone that makes her happy and treats her well.  She wants to them to not fear the possible.  She wants their lives to continue. 

Susan is a fighter, she continues to fight ALS, she continues to be an inspiration for those around her and those that inspire her and her life.  As you read this book, may you also be inspired and want to “live like you were dying”.